I'm back due to some foul incident.Last week, I've teared over "Brokeback Mountain", I've wailed when i quarrelled with dad but this awful incident, i could feel my heart wrenching in pain, totally ripped apart, but not a single tear.
I have been working late these days, i want to keep myself busy so when i reach home, i hit the bed and sleep through, no need to think about the awful matters and to come face to face with the crapiness of my life.
Step saw my "Chucky" MSN pic and said I looked scary, in fact everyone said so. Nevertheless, I sent her "happier" pics from dinner at Outback, but in her exact words, she said " b4 your smile looks happier..bigger smile. now your smile looks forceful."
A while ago, I was helping JJ with his resume and cover letter and it suddenly seemed like a deja-vu where i used to,many times (long ago), sacrificed sleep and rest to write essays, resumes, letters, homework etc for someone whom i realised later that everything i had done, was never put into use.Every effort i had made, seemed so worthless.
I've never counted the things i had done nor expect anything in return but it's one day, I stop and think back and realise, has anyone ever appreciated? has anyone ever been fair to me? It's never about recognition, but it's about that bit of respect and pride i need.
My old self was uptight, serious, doesn't open much to others and rarely trust people. Then i changed. but i guess, the former is the real me.If you think i have changed, i am merely going back to the old me.
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